"Here, I thought this might help if we get nervous."

She laughed as she opened the bag and saw... two computer keyboards.
 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

  Bill Clinton:
  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
  What do you mean by Chicken?
  Could you define chicken please?

  Pat Buchanan:
  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

  Louis Farrakhan:
  The road, you will see, represents the black man.
  The chicken crossed the "black man"
  in order to trample him and keep him down.

  The Bible:
  And God came down from the heavens,
  and He said unto the chicken,
  "Thou shalt cross the road."
  And the chicken crossed the road,
  and there was much rejoicing.

  Colonel Sanders:
  I missed one?

  LA Police Department:
  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

  Richard M. Nixon:
  The chicken did not cross the road.
  I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
  I don't know any chickens.
  I have never known any chickens.

  Dr. Suess:
  Did the chicken cross the road?
  Did he cross it with a toad?
  Yes!  The chicken crossed the road,
  but why it crossed, I've not been told!

  Ernest Hemingway:
  To die.  In the rain.

  Martin Luther King, Jr.:
  I envision a world where all chickens
  will be free to cross roads without
  having their motives called into question.

  Grandpa:
  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
  Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
  and that was good enough for us.

  Aristotle:
  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

  Karl Marx:
  It was a historical inevitability.

  Saddam Hussain:
  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
  and we were quite justified in dropping
  50 tons of nerve gas on it.

  Ronald Reagan:
  What chicken?

  Captain James T. Kirk:
  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

  Fox Mulder:
  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
  How many more chickens have
  to cross before you believe it?

  Machiavelli:
  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
  Who cares why?
  The end of crossing the road justifies
  whatever motive there was.

  Freud:
  The fact that you are at all concerned that
  the chicken crossed the road reveals
  your underlying sexual insecurity.

  Bill Gates:
  I have just released Chicken Coop 98,
  which will not only cross roads,
  but will lay eggs,
  file your important documents,
  and balance your check book --
  and Explorer is an inextricable
  part of the operating system.

  Einstein:
  Did the chicken really cross the road or
  did the road move beneath the chicken?
 

On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the
latest hit movie.  As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's
concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence
continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in
the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
 

Dating vs Married

 Dating.....
 Farting is never an issue
 Married ....
 You make sure there's nothing flammable
 near your husband, at all times

 Dating.....
 He takes you out to have a good time
 Married ....
 He brings home a 6 pack, and says
 "What are you going to drink?"

 Dating.....
 He holds your hand in public
 Married ....
 He flicks your ear in public

 Dating.....
 A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
 Married ....
 A King size bed feels like an army cot

 Dating.....
 You are turned on at the sight of him 
 Married ....
 You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy??"

 Dating.....
 You picture the two of you together, growing old together
 Married ....
 You wonder who will die first

 Dating.....
 Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
 Married ....
 When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

 Dating.....
 He knows what the "hamper" is
 Married ....
 The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

 Dating.....
 He understands that you have "male" friends
 Married ....
 He thinks they are all out to steal you away

 Dating.....
 He likes to "discuss" things
 Married ....
 He develops a "blank" stare

 Dating.....
 He calls you by name
 Married ....
 He calls you "Hey" and refers to you
 when speaking to others as "She."
 

CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

 LEWINSKY VIRUS
 Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
 e-mails everyone about what it did.

 MIKE TYSON VIRUS
 Quits after one byte.

 OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
 Your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and
 then slowly expands to 200mb.

 DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS
 Deletes all old files.

 ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
 You can no longer insert disks into your computer.

 TITANIC VIRUS
 Your whole computer goes down.

 DISNEY VIRUS
 Everything in your computer goes goofy.

 PROZAC VIRUS
 Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

 JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS
 Only attacks minor files

 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
 Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

 LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
 Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

 VIAGRA VIRUS
 Turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

As a retired old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.  Please be
careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 

What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome 
2. Charming 
3. Financially Successful 
4. A Caring Listener 
5. Witty 
6. In Good Shape 
7. Dresses with Style 
8. Appreciates the Finer Things 
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly 
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 
3. Works steady 
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting 
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes 
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 
10. Shaves on weekends.

  A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that 
  the agency would continue to operate and to collect taxes 
  immediately after any national emergency - "especially resulting 
  from nuclear attack."
 

  -------------

       A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS 
  auditor who had come to review his records.  At one point the 
  auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Smith, we feel it is a great privilege to 
  be allowed to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an 
  obligation to pay taxes.  And we expect you to eagerly pay them 
  with a smile."
       "Thank God," returned Mr. Smith.  "I thought you were going 
  to want cash." 
 

       When Mr. Goodings was audited in the summer of 1994, the IRS 
  took exception to certain deductions...among them, one for the 
  birth of a child.  "She was born in January, 1994," the auditor 
  explained.
       "So?" he protested.  "It was last year's business."
 
 

  A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and a car on the TV 
  game show "Wheel of Fortune." 
  The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct buying a vowel as a 
  legitimate business expense.
 

  Why does the IRS call the form, 1040?
  Because, for every $50 you earn, you get ten and they get $40."
 

       A man stood on the sidewalk in front of what used to be his 
  house.  Just as the IRS towed away is brand new car and drove 
  away all his ex-belongings, a van pulled up.
       Out jumped a camera crew and a guy in a three piece suit.
       "Congratulations!  You have just won ten million dollars in 
  our sweepstakes!  How do you feel?" said the suit.
       The man who just lost everything he owned to the IRS turned 
  pale and pulled out the gun he was planning to use on himself. 
  He started randomly shooting at the announcer and the camera 
  crew.  Fortunately he ran out of bullets before anyone was 
  killed.
       At the trial the man's lawyer explained that the man had 
  acted in self defense.
       "Your Honor, my client had just lost his home and car and 
  belonging to the IRS.  His wife left him and took the kids.  He 
  had lost his job because of all the time he spent at the audits. 
  All of this happened because he had inherited $30,000.
       My client couldn't imagine what the IRS would do against him 
  for winning $10,000,000, but he knew it had to be worse"
 
 

       A group of studs got together and demanded that the IRS 
  allow them to deduct depreciation on the "tools of their trade." 
       The IRS however denied the concept though due to the 
  "inflationary nature" of their "equipment."
 
 

  The IRS is still striving to make the tax forms more informal.  This
  year line 10 reads, "How much did you earn this year?  Line 11 asks,
  "C'mon, REALLY, how much?"

  An IRS agent and a lawyer jump off of the Empire State building 
  at the same time. Who hits first? 
  Who cares!?

       A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated 
  doctors searching through the flower beds.  "Excuse me," he said, 
  "have you lost something?" 
       "No," replied one of the doctors.  "We're doing a heart 
  transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable stone."
 
 

  The IRS is investigating a gay restaurant in West Hollywood. 
  They heard that the waiters are getting tips under the table.
 
 

       A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late 
       on April 15th and queried thusly:
       Caller:    Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and 
       I am getting a negative number? Does this mean I will get a 
       refund?
       IRS Agent: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative 
       number?
       Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 
       minus 8 equal to -1?
 
 

       Dr. and Mrs. G were being given a very hard time by IRS 
  agents over their income tax returns.  The good doctor, a 
  proctologist, was fed up.  Suddenly the revenue agent asked, 
  "Pardon me, Doctor, but I'm not sure I understand just what a 
  proctologist does. Could you explain it to me?"
       "Certainly," said the doctor.  "A proctologist is a brain 
  surgeon for IRS agents."