A couple had met on the Internet and after long hours of
getting to know one another they had finally decided
to meet face to face.
The woman was nervous as she opened her door to see her
friend standing there
smiling, looking just like his picture. He handed
her a small bouquet of
flowers and then pulled a large shopping bag out from
behind his back.
"Here, I thought this might help if we get nervous."
She laughed as she opened the bag and saw... two computer
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by Chicken?
Could you define chicken please?
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man"
in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens,
and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?
LA Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road.
I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping
50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?
The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
The fact that you are at all concerned that
the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released Chicken Coop 98,
which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs,
file your important documents,
and balance your check book --
and Explorer is an inextricable
part of the operating system.
Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater
waiting to see the
latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy
ad for the theater's
concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing.
The unexpected silence
continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness,
an irritated voice in
the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
Dating vs Married
Farting is never an issue
You make sure there's nothing flammable
near your husband, at all times
He takes you out to have a good time
He brings home a 6 pack, and says
"What are you going to drink?"
He holds your hand in public
He flicks your ear in public
A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
A King size bed feels like an army cot
You are turned on at the sight of him
You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy??"
You picture the two of you together, growing old
You wonder who will die first
Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes
He knows what the "hamper" is
The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
He understands that you have "male" friends
He thinks they are all out to steal you away
He likes to "discuss" things
He develops a "blank" stare
He calls you by name
He calls you "Hey" and refers to you
when speaking to others as "She."
CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after one byte.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb
then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
You can no longer insert disks into your computer.
Your whole computer goes down.
Everything in your computer goes goofy.
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
As a retired old man was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on 280. Please be
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends.
An in-house IRS study revealed in February that
the agency loses
two million tax returns and related documents
employee said that when preparing for audits,
requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies
are more likely to have the documents.
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes
the agency would continue to operate and to collect
immediately after any national emergency - "especially
from nuclear attack."
A nervous taxpayer
was unhappily conversing with the IRS
auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the
auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Smith, we feel it is a
great privilege to
be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes. And we expect you
to eagerly pay them
with a smile."
"Thank God," returned
Mr. Smith. "I thought you were going
to want cash."
When Mr. Goodings
was audited in the summer of 1994, the IRS
took exception to certain deductions...among them,
one for the
birth of a child. "She was born in January,
1994," the auditor
"So?" he protested.
"It was last year's business."
A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and
a car on the TV
game show "Wheel of Fortune."
The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct buying
a vowel as a
legitimate business expense.
Why does the IRS call the form, 1040?
Because, for every $50 you earn, you get ten and
they get $40."
A man stood on the
sidewalk in front of what used to be his
house. Just as the IRS towed away is brand
new car and drove
away all his ex-belongings, a van pulled up.
Out jumped a camera
crew and a guy in a three piece suit.
You have just won ten million dollars in
our sweepstakes! How do you feel?" said
The man who just
lost everything he owned to the IRS turned
pale and pulled out the gun he was planning to
use on himself.
He started randomly shooting at the announcer
and the camera
crew. Fortunately he ran out of bullets
before anyone was
At the trial the
man's lawyer explained that the man had
acted in self defense.
"Your Honor, my
client had just lost his home and car and
belonging to the IRS. His wife left him
and took the kids. He
had lost his job because of all the time he spent
at the audits.
All of this happened because he had inherited
My client couldn't
imagine what the IRS would do against him
for winning $10,000,000, but he knew it had to
A group of studs
got together and demanded that the IRS
allow them to deduct depreciation on the "tools
of their trade."
The IRS however
denied the concept though due to the
"inflationary nature" of their "equipment."
The IRS is still striving to make the tax forms
more informal. This
year line 10 reads, "How much did you earn this
year? Line 11 asks,
"C'mon, REALLY, how much?"
An IRS agent and a lawyer jump off of the Empire
at the same time. Who hits first?
A new arrival, about
to enter hospital, saw two white coated
doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said,
"have you lost something?"
"No," replied one
of the doctors. "We're doing a heart
transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a
The IRS is investigating a gay restaurant in West
They heard that the waiters are getting tips under
A despondent and
mathematically challenged filer called IRS late
on April 15th and
Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and
I am getting a negative
number? Does this mean I will get a
IRS Agent: Sir,
how is it that you are getting a negative
Caller: The form
says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7
minus 8 equal to
Dr. and Mrs. G were
being given a very hard time by IRS
agents over their income tax returns. The
good doctor, a
proctologist, was fed up. Suddenly the revenue
"Pardon me, Doctor, but I'm not sure I understand
just what a
proctologist does. Could you explain it to me?"
the doctor. "A proctologist is a brain
surgeon for IRS agents."