He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

 I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

 When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

 She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

 You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
 misquoted, then used against you.

 I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

 Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
 popular?

 Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 

Bumper stickers and Buttons

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I majored in Liberal Arts.   Will that be for here or to go?
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
       self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
       shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
21.  Meandering to a different drummer.
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
       them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
       fallen asleep yet.
47. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. I plead contemporary insanity.
54. Is it time for your medication or mine?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59.  Earth is full. Go home.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the
       earth.
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Subject: Food for thought

 The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

 The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

 A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to
 death.

 A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

 Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
 Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

 More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
 crashes.

 Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

 Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

 Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

 If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

 Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

 Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed
 people do.

 The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.

 TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only
 one row of the keyboard.

 If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
 never end because of the rate of reproduction.

 The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right
 or right to left.

 A snail can sleep for 3 years.

 The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

 Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of
 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.

 Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people
 in the world.

 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 No president of the United States was an only child
 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
     the second person.

 4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.

 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

 6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair

 7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

 8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

 9. School lunches stick to the wall.

 10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

 11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 

 "Some Tax Facts"
 

 The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration 
 of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is 
 only 773,000 [I don't know what version the author was 
 referring to] words. However, the tax law has grown from 
 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.
 

 There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with 
 many pages of instructions.
 

 Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in 
 instructions, and all in fine print. 

 The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and 
 instructions each year.  Laid end to end, they would 
 stretch 28 times around the earth.
 

 Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce 
 the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. (I wonder if Al Gore 
 knows this)
 

 American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion 
 hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, 
 more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and 
 van in the United States.
 

 The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as 
 many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
 60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get 
 through their own return.  (I had to get professional help AFTER I 
 finished mine)
 

 Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; 
 that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
 

What Kind of Friend Are You?

    ~Aries
    ~~Your friendship must be warm and on the level. Let me put it this
way, You are a fine friend and a formidable foe. With Aries, things are
never done by halves. Aries expects total devotion and sincerity in
friendship. In turn, he/she extends a loving and strong hand.

    ~Taurus
    ~~A good friend, though not a particularly brilliant one. Many times,
family members and close relatives end up as friends. Yes, a Taurean can give
himself/herself freely with time, and money, and practical  advise. The
Taurean likes friends, to be happy and in  comfort. The Taurean hates to lose
a friend, as the attachment is strong, and will often  go out of the way to
maintain a relationship. Taurean can be patient, persuasive, persistent with
friends.

    ~Gemini
    ~~An amusing friend and according to me a good one. Gemini can return
love, responds beautifully to a little appreciation. Gemini often feels-but
wrongly so-that others don't do enough for him/her. You Young at heart, you
could be the life of a group. Whatever others might say about you, I do
maintain that you excel in human relationships.

    ~Cancer
    ~~Your loyalty and attachments to people make you a friend worth his or
her weight in gold. However, see that you do not expect too much out of
friendship. Always ready to give, you are likely to be bitterly disappointed
when friends do not live up to your own image of them. However, you will
seldom cut your friendship ties and do much more for friends than they did for
you. A good, solid friend!

    ~Leo
    ~~As a friend you are worth your weight in pure gold. Leo is a mighty good
friend. He/She does not ditch people. Leo is very  warm and sincere. Your
idealism and romanticism comes through very strongly here.  Blessed is the
person who has a Leo friend.

    ~Virgo
    ~~Understand, Virgo, that yours is a sign of service and communal living.
It is a humane sign. Therefore, you need friends, though you may acknowledge
it. In friendship, Virgo is at his best. Virgo may not be a hearty type. But
Virgo will be steady and extremely reliable as a friend. Whatever advice and
suggestions Virgo gives will be practical and to the point. Virgo hates to
break off any relationship. A Virgo friend is a solid friend. He/She is worth the price in platinum.

    ~Libra
    ~~You can give good advice to a friend and any friend who follows up will
never come to grief. But if you expect Libra to give the heart  also, you
could be disillusioned. This does not mean that Libra is cold. It  only means
that you Libreans are often detached. You can be a  good friend. It only means
that one should not expect the impossible  from a  Libra. But Libra is
excellent company. Libra has finesse and  grace. Let me say, Libra is the
lubricant in all human relationship.

    ~Scorpio
    ~~There's explosive element here, pure dynamite, if you ask me. However
good friend you may be-and you are good-do not be secretive and wear a mask.
Yes, you are discriminative in friendship and psychologically speaking, a
disturbed family background, sometimes tragically so, is responsible for it.
In friendships, you are intensely loyal. Though you do and can appear
detached, you are ultra-sensitive, specially in pride and self-respect. You
are a little too over-bearing, never a happy ground for a stable friendship.
Secrets will be well kept. Do not attach too much importance to minor lapses
on the part of friends. You could be betrayed, resulting in a complete
severing of all ties.

    ~Sagittarius
    ~~Generous to a fault and very helpful, you evidently make a good friend.
If friends follow your advise they will be happy. Yes, you can guide them very
well. Your intuition comes into full play in friendship. You will do more for
them than they do for  you. Even if your friends fail you-and many of them
will-there will be  no resentment and hatred. But your own prejudices will
blind you on many occasions. With Sagittarius likes and dislikes are intense.

    ~Capricorn
    ~~Once the initial hurdles are crossed, you will prove to be the old
faithful. See that snobbery does not come into the way of true friendship.
While you may not be very tactful and polished  in your manners and talk, you
won't fail a friend in an emergency. Try to reach out more, please.

    ~Aquarius
    ~~Aquarians can be better counselors than friends. The reason is that,
though emotionally involved, they can think clearly and visualize situations
and problems creatively. As yours is the sign of friendship, It do predict
that your friends will receive both warmth and guidance from you.

    ~Pisces
    ~~A good friend ,humane, understanding, if slightly unconventional. Yes,
you can understand a person  intuitively, help him  without a show of
exuberance. The friendship may have an unworldly  touch about it. But your
advise should be worth following. A word of warning. Do not expect the
impossible here. People have feet of clay and so, I am afraid, do you. Accept
them for what they are worth, and let not idealism crowd judgement our innate
grace and diplomacy could  help save an
  unpleasant situation.